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Thursday, February 24, 2011

What's a girl to do in the fog?

PhotobucketEveryone welcome Daisy from The Daisy Approach. If you've been around here much you will know that she is the creator of Daisy's 21 questions that everyone enjoys so much. She's laying it all there for us today so let her know you're reading.

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First of all I’m totally honored to be a guest blogger over at Ms. Scandal’s place. As I write this I am covered in a wet sticky fog. A fog that comes around every now and then, it tries to bring me down, it’s heavy.

This fog comes with decisions. Call me mental but I have a hard time with decisions sometimes. I tend to over think everything. I then start to take into account everyone else’s feelings. Sometimes I just want to be told what to do…I need that push.

I am in an open marriage. I have a husband and a new boyfriend. I know this way of life doesn’t work for everyone but for us it’s something new. I get bored. I’ve been called a free spirit. Can a free spirit actually settle and stay in one place there whole life? Can I change who I am?

The answer to that last question for me is no. I tried to change who I was and for 5 years I was fat and depressed. I hid from the world. I stopped calling friends. My whole life became only my kids. I lived in sweat pants and didn’t like myself at all. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t and because of that I died a little inside. I had a wake up call last year and finally decided to say fuck the world. I am different. I am me. I am back. I am a hot headed Italian chick who loves sex. I am a married girl in a complicated marriage that may or may not last. I don’t trust easily. I get stir crazy, when it happens you can tell. I start to stare. I zone out. I start to move a lot. I may decide to re-arrange furniture. I may start listening to music 24-7 to calm my nerves. I will lose all patience. I will become annoyed. I will drink more…..this is the fog.

I have to sides, same coin just 2 sides. This post may seem all over the place but maybe now you can see where my mind is right now. It’s all over the place. My decision at the forefront is to stay in a marriage that is making me mentally sick or leave and start completely over. I love my husband (most days) but am I still in love with him, I’m not sure. We tried to make it work. We were just a few weeks from signing divorce papers last October. Something brought us back together and now I feel like that something is breaking us apart.

Life is a constant struggle. We are always in conflict with something. How we manage the conflict is the key. But for some reason my key isn’t fitting quite right in the locks. The fog tends to get in the way….

14 comments:

singedwingangel said...

Sweetie if you didn't love him you wouldn't have come back. Take that from someone who has been where you are. As much as you like freedom you long for the security of KNOWING you are not alone. KNOWING that when you screw up someone is there to just love you righ where you are and be willing to help pick up the pieces without judging what you did. I love ya hun and am here if you ever need tojust scream

Daisygirl said...

Angel can always count on a great comment from you! Thank ya!

D thanks for letting me guest post hope your having a great break!

Boobies said...

My complicated little flower!

I love you...wish I had the answers to life...you're gonna come out on top no matter what happens!

XO

Cluttered Brain said...

Ya, i echo Boobie's comment.
YOU are gonna make it out on top no matter what happens...

Daisygirl said...

Thanks girls....love ya both!

Kerri said...

If our paths were clearly visible I think we'd all die of boredom.
The fog doesn't have to be a hindrance. Just keep your eyes, heart and mind open and you'll pull yourself out.
Do your thang MB!! Do your thang!

Lady Estrogen said...

My mother always tells me that people fall in and out of love during a marriage multiple times, but that's what it's all about - the rollercoaster; it's staying for the shitty/boring low times that's the tough part... but who knows, everyone's situation is different.

Daisygirl said...

Love ya Monkey Baller...

Lady E: That actually makes sense about what your mom says about love. Its not that our lives are totally boring its more that I feel his words are meaningless (untrustworthy) its so hard for me to listen to him sometimes because all I hear is blah blah blah bs bs bs. Life is hard...love stinks!

Sir Thomas said...

But heres the bigger question, is having somebody there for us, love? Or is it need? I think you could still not love him and go back because of this. Dont get me wrong this might not be the case but it is possible. I know this feeling and also I know that the longer it goes the more likely you are to always return, in love or not.
Girl you are a tricky and complex person, thats a good thing if and when you find peace.

Daisygirl said...

Mystery Man (thats what I call ya) yes I am a complex person which only makes things so much harder because I over analyze ever single situation...peace will be absolute!

Anonymous said...

"I get stir crazy, when it happens you can tell. I start to stare. I zone out. I start to move a lot. I may decide to re-arrange furniture. I may start listening to music 24-7 to calm my nerves. I will lose all patience. I will become annoyed. I will drink more…..this is the fog."

Occasionally this can be called manic depression or Bi-polar disorder or sometimes a chemical/hormonal imbalance. It can be called many things if really looked into, but I wouldn't call it just a "free spirit." What I can say from reading all of your posts is that the ups and downs are so frequent that it can't possibly be healthy for anyone involved including you. I think that there is an obvious "something" going on. Whether it is mental illness of someone kind or just simply the fact that you got married too young and grew up and apart in many ways.
I cannot possibly put myself in your shoes; everyone has their own unique life. What does come to my mind is if it ever occurred to you that your self-worth is slowly being chipped away by men who care so little for you that they would want to see you shared with other men. What I am saying, is that in what seems to be an OBVIOUS time of need for you emotionally, people who should be taking care of you are not doing just that and using the excuse as letting you “be who you are” as a cop out.
I know personally I would be heartbroken if my husband was ever ok with me being with another man. I think that many, MANY women have this desire in their lives, and even try to test the waters, but to have them be accepting of it…devastating. I cannot imagine that this isn’t adding to your already complicated outlook on life.
Again I am not in your shoes but I think a deeper look at this super angst situation, and maybe talking to someone outside of your circle of both internet friends and everyday friends and family might help you put things into perspective and help you answer questions you are having trouble answering.
All of the emotional ups and downs and indecisions may be good for the blogging world, but it can't possibly be good for the long term of your family or you. Decisions should be made. True happiness should be perused for both you and your children.

Daisygirl said...

Anonymous: wish you would have left your name because your post gave me chills. There is mental illness in my family and I have always thought I have bi-polar tendencies just have never had it diagnosed.

I question my marriage every day. I don't understand how my husband can be okay with all this but he says he is.
I am not "typical". I am impulsive at times but I lose control often and wish someone would take some.

I have a lot to think about. Thank you for your comment.

Anonymous said...

As someone who has a person in their family who is bipolar your ups and downs, darkness and light times, and impulsivity and temper sound exactly like bipolar disorder. There are many fabulous treatments for it. As a disorder it has a way of slowly, very slowly tearing families apart, I watched it cause all kinds of havoc in mine.

I can't possibly knock your choices for a open marriage. My husband and I do not have an open relationship but do have some friends that we enjoy swinging/swapping with as long as everyone is in the same room and have on occasion gone to Club Discretions in Phx which is a unique lifestyle club. Everyones relationships work differently. We would have never imagined 15 yrs ago we would be ok with swinging, we got into it by total intoxicated accident but enjoyed it and boy did it spark our sex life.

Make your own choices. Have fun. But for the sake of your family, your children, yourself you may want to seek help for possible bi-polar disorder before it destroys everything you love.

D. Scandal said...

Daisy thanks so much for guest posting for me! I'm happy with all the feedback you got. This was a really great post.

Thanks for putting yourself out there like that!