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Friday, June 4, 2010

Panic Attacks and Chocolate

So, I've been a little overwhelemed lately. Work hasn't been bad, but it's been running away from me a little bit. I'm starting a side job, and I've put in more time in the past two weeks than I likely will have to in the average month all in the name of training.

My friends are all in personal crisis right now, most of them over things that I'd like to laugh at. Of course I don't, I'm not that mean. Regardless, there hasn't been much of a social outlet for my frustrations, and I'm going into a very busy weekend.

I've been trying to lose some weight lately. Who isn't? It's summer. But today I was really craving something sweet. We don't have much of a vending machine at work and I wasn't sure what I wanted. I rode to the grocery store on my lunch break to see what jumped out at me, and on the way I had a panic attack.

I haven't had one in a while, and they never actually happen when I'm panicking. I was in my car at a red light and the whole world sort of went side-ways for a minute. When my breathing got irregular I just focused on the road and deep even breaths. By the time I was in the parking lot of the grocery store the worse was over, but of course there's the secondary panic attack that usually comes while I'm trying to figure out why I just had a panic attack.

I went into the store, telling myself that I was fine, just a little stressed, but it was over. As I willed away the remnants of dizziness and kept myself from hyperventilaing, I found myself in the candy aisle.

Because I'd just had a panic attack I'd told myself that I could have whatever I damn well pleased. The different facets of me don't always collide well. Because now, tucked safely back at my desk, I'm staring at two candy bars, a bag of mints, and a bag of Sour Patch watermelon candy.

Oh yeah, and a diet soda.

So, the part of me that really wanted to lose another five pounds before the beach next month is angry, but the part of me that just had an unexplained panic attack wants to devour every ounce of sugar-food that's here.

The war has been waged and I've settled on the sour patch kids. The rest is tucked away in a desk drawer for the next time I have a craving... or until later this afernoon, who knows.

I'd rather have wine, but I rather like my job, so candy it will be.

Thank God it's Friday!


The Bipolar Diva said...

Sometimes there's just no getting around candy!
I hate panic attacks, especially the ones that come out of no where! I've resorted to keeping Ativan with me all the time.

Sour Patch Kids sound like a good choice to me!

Bloviating Zeppelin said...

Panic attack? Yeah, I've had those. Told damned few people. But I know what you mean. Mine can occur in the cabin where there is NO other alternative but to get OUT and into the car and drive. Drive to see BIG sky and WIDE landscapes. And breathing is good. Sometimes a nice chocolate bar is called for. NO NUTS whatsoever to mar the experience.


Just A. Girl said...

I think the panic attack burned extra calories, so that is why you can eat extra candy without it "counting." :)

Good luck and take your pleasures where you can find them... 5 pounds is nothin' to worry about one bit.